:( -> :)

There's a feeling that I used to get more when I was in college. It's a strange content feeling that comes from...I guess coming out of a depressed mindset. But thats not really it. It seems like it's partly a self-indulgent, introspective, wallowing in mild depressed thoughts and feelings. It comes on most pleasurably when listening to bitter-sweet music. It hit me just now, a strange masochistic reveling in sadness. It's one of the main draws of post-rock for me. Sometimes things seem most beautiful and worth your time when they're broken and pitiful. I feel justified when I feel sorry for myself.

Real sadness isn't fun though. Real sadness comes with a sense of hopelessness. Maybe what I'm feeling is sadness with hope. The euphoric surprise of things getting better, or things not as bad as they seem. It seems like I've not had time to sit and think in solitude enough to have this feeling. It's strange, you'd think that being preoccupied, being busy and being entertained would breed some sense of profound fulfillment.

Maybe it's just drama. Maybe contentedness is too mundane. Being sad and woeful makes me feel like there's some deeper substance in my boring little day to day, and surmounting the feeling lets me take a step back from the melancholy and label it as substance. If it happens quickly enough, in the span of say a few seconds of a song or the duration of a melody, I hardly feel the sting of loneliness at all and am able to focus on just the pleasure of my own false drama.

It reminds me of the sense of fulfillment that comes from watching a sad, dramatic film about hardships of people you never were and will never meet. If you're convinced that you "get it", then you might be able to leave feeling like a better person, having safely experienced something awful. Even if you were moved to tears, even if you feel like you really really felt the hardship, once you get in your car you're safe. If you don't feel guilty for all your privileges , you (I) might just feel like a more worldly, more valuable, better person with a more substantial world view. All this without actually having to sacrifice anything. I get both the luxury of experience and safety. Feels good, even if it's false.

I hope I don't feel bad soaking in my fleeting dreary now. I like that bitter-sweet feeling.